Deus Ex Machina

Hmm...How time flies when you're...um...cricket chirping

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 06:12:16 GMT

Well, time has passed...I'm a little older, I'm a little wiser...I'm starting to get hair in REALLY weird places (kudos to that one person out there who MAY have gotten the Wayne's World 2 reference).

It's interesting...The past couple of days I've been bombarded with thought. I've done everything, from trying and convincing myself that I'll never reconcile with the DORCs to regretting the events that caused my exile (rightfully so, I WILL admit)...and that was just the first hour or so of one day. Then, I give thought to my gaming life...what to do with my Star Wars level 27 Crime Lord, my D&D Paladin, and when the HELL will I ever pull the glory that was Pharaun from my dusty LOTR box and resume his quest for redemption? Heh...wow, didn't even realize how ironic that was until just now. Talk about life imitating art.

Straying away from the topic for JUST a moment, and speaking of art, I've developed an intense respect...nay, passionate near-idolizing of Kevin Smith. I bought a DVD called "A Night with Kevin Smith"...a must buy, that's all I can say.

Anyway, back to my incredibly shattered train of thought...it's weird. I think for days on end about so MANY different things, and then when I have a chance to actually get ON a computer and update this blasted thing on a whim, I have.....very little to say. Just a recap of things I don't want to think about that keep PLAGUING my head. So, before I waste hours on end trying to think of something important to say, I'll simply type one or two things that need to be said, and then it's back to life, strange and riddled though it may be.

1)First, and foremost...It's been a few years, and a lot has changed in everyone's lives, I'm sure, but for what it's worth...Kerry, Julie, Joe, Shawn, Jeff...I miss you guys terribly. There hasn't been a day that's gone by where I haven't whispered an apology to the sky wishing that it would find you. You will always be the ones that know me the best.
1a) Kerry...I hurt you worse than I ever imagined I could, and I will never be able to earn your forgiveness, I know. Just know that if it makes you feel any better, I hurt every day knowing that.
1b) Shawn...You and I didn't agree on everything, but if I had the chance to say ONE thing to you, it would be this...Thank you. You weren't afraid to knock my ass in the dirt to open my eyes...knowing you, you probably wanted to so bad. I will always respect the SHIT out of you for that.
1c) Julie...It was extraordinary while it lasted. Your company, your banter, YOU...although we had more downs than ups, I'd relive almost all of them again just so I could be around you again. Good luck with all you do.
1d) Joe...sweet lovable teddy bear Joe. Joe, let me say it this way...I've never been jealous of my Dad. Then I heard that you and he were flying together, and my heart ached.
1e) Last, but NEVER least (unless I was shattering your Gitaroo Man high scores)...Jeff. He that WAS Munchkin, DM of Lordly Might, and keeper of the amazingly almost over-sized case of cardage...Gaming has never been and will never be the same without you, man. You are truly missed.

Alright, now that THAT'S done, maybe I can finally get a good night's sleep before work tomorrow. God knows, it's been years in the making.

Warning: 20-year-old semi-angstiness following

Fri, 16 Dec 2005 08:16:23 GMT

Grr....

It's 3:00 or so in the morning, and I have to wake up in about 4 hours so I can pack my things and help Penny and Sensei drive down to Kentucky so we can all see Master Rose and Chris can partake in a death-defying "almost sure to kill me in the process workout/lesson that I really shouldn't be seeing anyway since I'm only a white-belt" weekend.

God, I love/hate/"fill in the blank here" the fact that I adore martial arts.
God, I (see the above) that I'm actually devoting time and effort to it even more.

So yeah, after that's all done, things will calm down a bit until Christmas. Then, after New Year's, I've learned that I will be testing for my yellow belt. Also turns out that I'm one of the first white belts to test this soon for my next belt. See all of the Deity-Addressing comments above for my response to said realization.

Everyone is still invited to classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays if you'd like, but be warned. I went one Tuesday just to observe, and I had joined the class by the end of it.

So yeah...I think I might need some sleep before I get behind the wheel of my car.

And the ride begins again...

Mon, 28 Nov 2005 10:34:07 GMT

*slamming his 3rd can of Full Throttle on the desk*

And so, sitting in his black sweatpants, he ponders: After several months of absence, with so much having happened in life, and with so much to say, how does one begin?

*Ponders for a moment, then takes another sip of his Full Throttle*

Ah...I guess, with me being the way I am, there is only one way to begin:

"It's my robot, I can do anything I want with it! Get me a juice box, beeeeotch!"
--quote from the movie "Zathura"

Yes...that seems an appropriate introduction.

So I have returned to...well, whatever the hell you call this. This Livejournal, this "community", this...whatever. Anyway, what is there really to say? I was informed by someone that certain people had been commenting on here wondering if I was still alive or not...people that I had long since thought didn't want anything to do with me.

Don't worry...I'm not insulted, mad, happy...About the only thing I am at this point where this is concerned is intrigued. I mean, it's interesting, but why? But I digress. It's not worth agonizing over yet, so I won't.

To answer your question: yes, I am very much alive. Alive, more learned, more experienced in life, and more...shall we say, down to earth as far as many subjects are concerned. I can honestly say that the past year and a half...no, screw that...the past 6 months or so have made me a person I never would have expected to be. Doors have been closed, others opened. Relationships have been terminated, others begun, others rekindled. Paths have been blocked, others forged. Hearts have been closed to some, only to be laid bare to the most unexpected of people.

But this is not stuff anybody really needs to hear. Anyway, yes. I'm here again.

This I will say. Matt and Jeff W, this is aimed primarily at you, though anybody is welcome if they choose. Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7:30 at the Fairborn YMCA. I have a class there, and since my most recent phone number is now not "safe" (Matt, that's a hint, DO NOT CALL IT...you'll only find a very depressed Jamie), that's the way to find me.

Alright, I've said my piece.

Thu, 28 Jul 2005 20:12:09 GMT

Yeah....So once again I find myself in a place where there's not a lot of options open to me except the ones that hurt.

Looking back at Lisa's and my relationship, I can honestly say in hindsight that there were a couple of times where she and I moved way too fast...talking about marriage, considering moving out together...and I guess it's taking its toll on her. She and I have been spending very little, if ANY, time together, and it almost seems like she's finding ways to avoid seeing me. I mean, part of it I can't blame her for, considering I haven't seen her for a week straight due to a huge bout of mono, but still...I loved the fact that, for once, there was someone out there who was just as clingy as I was, if not more, and now that I'm clinically "better", all I wanted to do was come back home and hold her or fall asleep next to her, and she just doesn't seem to want to be near me, and it hurts. Granted, I don't think anything is "going on" between her and somebody else, because I trust my baby girl, but still...I've actually cried a couple of times just because I feel lonely, and I haven't felt that way in a LONG time. It's even costing me sleep now, since I'm so used to reaching over and being able to kiss her in the middle of the night, and I can't do that now.

On top of all that, the whole "savior complex" thing is starting to kick in. My brain is now to the point where it is suggesting I pack up all my stuff and go sleep in the living room until I can amass enough money to move out on my own. I don't know...part of me just thinks I did something wrong, and I want to go and hide and get away from the situation to make her comfortable. Bleah...

And yet, there IS good news, I have a new idol...Criss Angel. GOD, that man is amazing, and...hate to admit it, but if I DID lean toward the bi or gay side, he'd SO be on "the list".

Anyway, yeah...Lisa's leaving for work soon, and I think it may be one of those "walk through Cox Arboretum and reflect/cry in the dark" nights. It's been a while since I've done one of those, and it usually brings me peace. Here's hoping. Nothing but love to whoever cares. :)

Why? O Lord, Why?!

Tue, 12 Jul 2005 20:34:41 GMT

Alright, so I had the opportunity to buy a CD yesterday, since my budgeting has allowed me a few extra bucks to do so. So I'm looking at all the CD's I MIGHT want to listen to...Then I saw System of a Down's "Mesmerize"...Now, I love SOAD with a passion. Pretty easy decision, right? And most people who know me know my adoration of hard rock and metal-esque...stuff.

I bought the new MISSY ELLIOT CD instead.

And I ADORE IT.

God, living in Dayton is screwing up my mentality. Anyway, hoping to hit Fusion on Friday...really hard, with my head. :) Then I'm hoping to hang with the Dorc's on Sunday, if they'll have me. Lisa really wants to hang with them again, and I'm really missing Dorcage myself. So anyway. Yeah, there it is.

...Missy be da name ya'll shud already kno.

Wow...That's it...just fuckin wow.

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 03:08:07 GMT

So, is it a bad thing when you fail to update your Livejournal (or do pretty much ANYTHING with your computer except listen to tunes, for that matter) for about a month, and you really don't notice a whole lot? Yeah...turns out I actually have a LIFE to lead here...who'd have thought, huh?

The Burger King Experience (for that is the only thing I can call it at this point) is...well, it's going. Being "manager-class" is odd, especially since, for the most part, I'm still one of the newest people there. There's a lot of hostility aimed at me since I've gotten this position...I guess people just keep forgetting that, with few exceptions, more effort should equal more reward.

Hanging out with the DORCs a Sunday or two ago was...very much needed. I mean, I can't even begin to hope that I'll be accepted back into that group, and rightfully so, but at the same time, seeing everybody together again was a huge reminder of how much I miss that group. Thank god I'm not in the mood to dwell on the past tonight, eh?

So...I"ve decided that instead of just ranting on and on for hours over everything that has happened in the past month or so, I'm just going to "bullet-time" everything to save time and typing.

Things that need to be accomplished soon by the person formally known as Chris-the-Not-Quite-So-Red-as-Chris-the-Red:

--I NEED to GET a FUCKIN PHONE!!
--I'd like to find a new job soon...BK is only supposed to be an interim job until I find something better, and the longer I stay here, the more I fear that it will start to take root in my soul. :)
--I have made it clear to Julie that I would like to take her out at some point in the near future and just...hang, talk...WHATEVER. I'm actually going to extend that same offer to Kerry, since I have tried to call her several times, to no avail. Ah well...the joys of phone tag.
--Apartment and furniture shopping with Lisa...For those of you who know who Lisa is and what's been going down...YES, it HAS gotten that far.
--Checking in with J.B. Robinson about that ring. See above comment. Granted, there won't be any "one-kneeing" for a WHILE, but consider the following: I actually went out of my way to buy a wedding planner. You know, one of those incredibly girly planning books with suggestions for everything wedding associated...wait for it, wait for it....*DING!* 150%!! A new record! :)

So yeah, I am off for now...I get to go finalize my Dungeons and Dragons rogue character and help Lis build her Sorceress. So hello to anyone who cares, and I will hopefully get to chat with some of you in the near future.

Oh, BTW, Dorcs Matt and Jeff, I HAD to do it for you: If indeed wedding bells are in my future, it has been decided that there MUST BE a Dance Dance Revolution machine at the reception. DDR Forever, brahs!

Thu, 26 May 2005 05:05:18 GMT

Things are good. It's been a while since I could say that and really mean it...

All I have to learn is the boards, and I can take a certification test for Burger King. If I pass that test, I can immediately fill the opening manager spot that they need. Even though i don't plan on staying there once I get the postal job, it would be wonderful for me to actually work my ass off and get a managerial position. That means more money, more guaranteed hours, and a decent looking block of text on my resume.

Bill paying is going...well, it's going. All I'm gonna say is props to my father (and yes, my mother too) for their patience with me. Slowly, I am learning to budget. Yay for that. Bills are beginning to shrink rapidly, and I'm still finding some time to be social, which pleases me greatly.

Being free from the Dorcs for a while (God, that sounded so negative...didn't mean it that way, promise) has been...a good thing, I think. Not only am I finding other things to focus on, but I'm taking more chances on stuff. Perfect example...I went to a beauty school in Fairborn today (!!) to flirt with a girl who I've been flirting with in the drive thru at BK. I found out that she came through on one of my days off and asked about me, so I figured I would return the favor, like the Jedi Master Pimp that I be.

Of all the people I thought I would become at all close to, I NEVER expected to be close to the two people I currently am: Jeff Woods, and Cinci Matt...I guess one day I will actually have to learn his last name :). Matt and I do tons of Raw Deal and other gaming stuff together, and Jeff...well, I'm not sure what the hell's keeping HIM in touch with me, but it's been a blast hanging out with him. Props to both you guys.

I have taken up writing again. I figure with all the shit flying around in my head, I might as well exercise my hand in OTHER ways (*smiles maniacally*...tee hee) and my brain and put it all on paper. So, I have taken to writing a novella. Nothing big, just some cool ideas on paper thrown together into a story. I had considered putting the LOTR RPG adventures I had into a story somehow, but out of respect to the other pc's in those adventures, and considering I'd want their permission first (it's only right), I've ditched that idea.

There's a DDR tournament this Saturday that I'm so psyched for. I'm worried and nervous though, for several reasons...One, my right knee's been acting up for the past few days, which really unnerves me. Two, there's a chance that Crystal and Lindsay might be there to support me...While I've missed them terribly since my trip down there to see them, I'm nervous that I'll mess up my set, and they won't be able to fully witness the DDR hotness I display. (I swear, I'm not vain...I'm just perfect.) Three, there's also a rumor that some of the dorcs might be there. Again, I've missed them a bunch, but I don't think I'm ready to see them, and I'd LOVE to have my focus on the game instead of running over and saying hi.

Alright, I am done ranting for now. Back to the Dot Hack Hotness....I will beat Mutation, dagnabbit! I WILL!

Fri, 20 May 2005 16:00:46 GMT

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Fri, 20 May 2005 15:50:25 GMT

Talk about your interesting plot twists.

First, a brief run-down of the plan: Leave on Tuesday evening for Amelia, Ohio to visit somebody I haven't seen in a WHILE, then spend the night with one of my friends near that area, and then spend a few minutes on the highway going east to Mount Orab to spend some time with two other friends, and then be home by about 6:30-7:00 Wednesday evening.

What REALLY happened: Long story short, Lindsay COMPLETELY ruins my plan on Tuesday evening and forces me into a panicky mode I haven't been in for a LONG time. I learn several things that make me slightly unnerved/flattered/etc: Lindsay "no longer has any feelings for me romantically"...as she's looking into my eyes like she wants to screw my brains out...Go fuckin FIGURE that one. But yeah, as soon as I heard that, I knew she has something ELSE up her sleeve, so I just gave her a hug, and left, much to her dismay (yay for inflicting dismay). THEN, I find out that Crystal and Meli have both not only been talking about me of late, but it seems they might both have some semblance of feelings for me.

...
...
I mean, I tried to dress decently, but DAMN!

So yeah, I talked to both of them about it Tuesday night when I went to go visit with them (individually, of course...I may be dense sometimes, but even I know that one's not smart). Then i went to go see Lindsay one more time on Wednesday, JUST to say goodbye before I hit 68 to come home...She, of course, tries to get me to stay...I, of course....stayed for another hour like a little bitch, just cause I like spending time with her. So yeah, I got home at about 3 instead of 7, and decided to play some DDR at the Dayton Mall, since i came home with more money than I thought I would...But I'm hungry, so I stop by BK to grab a 50% Tendercrisp sandwich (:) )...They fucking DRAFT ME into work that night from 7 till about 12...and then I have to go in yesterday from 8 to 5.... *sigh*

Ah, well, it's overtime money, I guess...

But yeah, interesting trip overall...Well worth the time on the road listening to Abba and Genesis....Crap, 98%.

The Beginning of an End?

Mon, 02 May 2005 00:23:41 GMT

SO...It has been a while since last I updated this sad thing, and with good reason.

When I left the Dorcs, most of them, if not all, thought/assumed/etc. that it was solely an act of cowardice on my part: That I simply did not want to accept that I had responsibilities in this world that I needed to act on and live up to. To be honest, they weren't completely wrong...At the same time, though, I didn't want to hang around with everybody and know that I wasn't acting on things as fast as everyone wanted me to or, more important, as I NEEDED to. So I tried to "disappear"...A chance for me to kind of vanish for a bit so I could get my shit together and return at some point the "Chris" that you all liked.

Well, I have a job at Burger King now...it's not much, but it's an honest income, and it gives me time to really consider all my options. I've been working my ass off these past few weeks, and I finally have my car loveliness back...insured, repaired, and ready to be restored to the greatness that is the MILF-mobile.

My father has insisted that I take the upcoming postal battery exam to see if I can get a job with the post office, and I've already signed up to take the next one. If I can get that job, things will go a LOT faster for me.

As for the Dorcs? What should I do about the group of friends who I went through a LOT of stuff with in the short span of a year and whom I'd come to know as the family I didn't have? I'm not sure yet...I know that I miss them terribly, but at the same time, I'm discovering that while I was with them, they actually became my entire life. As much as I love knowing that I found people who I could devote myself to, I don't think it's the right time yet for me to go back to them and ask to be readmitted/forgiven/whatever. I want to be with them, but I want it to be ME with them...not the vengeful me that a lot of people seem to have a problem with, and certainly not the liar who felt he had to do whatever it took to keep his friends.

So, I guess all I can say at this point is...well, that I love you guys, and that I haven't just run away to hide and accept whatever happens. Shawn, you were right, and I've started working things out, both in my normal everyday life, and inside my mind, since there are definitely things I need to come to grips with there too. If any of you need proof of some kind that i AM getting things together, simply ask my father...God knows, he's commented a couple of times on how things have changed since I first moved out roughly 6 months ago.

First things first: I want to make things right with the Dorcs individually...each of you has a specific problem with me, I'm sure...and although some of them probably can't be helped, I want to know what they are nonetheless. Once that has been accomplished, then I guess it will be up to the powers that be what my fate is within the Dorcs.

I quote the Untouchables: "Never stop fighting til the fighting is done...Here endeth the lesson."

Thu, 31 Mar 2005 08:20:46 GMT

So yeah, the past few weeks have been...well, a lot of things...heartbreaking, liberating, thought-provoking, (fill in the blank here). I'm just glad that I went through it all now instead of years down the road when the paranoia had fully worn off. As things stand now, I can't wait to get my life together so I can move on from all this and journey on to my next abomination.

I've been reading R.A. Salvatore more lately, and something has stuck out in my brain:

"He has lost his empathy. I can only pray that he will find it again, that time will allow him to open his heart and soul to those deserving, for without empathy he will find no purpose. Without purpose, he will find no satisfaction. Without satisfaction, he will find no contentment, and without contentment, he will find no joy."

-Drizzt Do'Urden

All hail the wielder of the twin scimitars.

Mon, 14 Mar 2005 20:08:26 GMT

Well, once again I am bombarded with emotions that I don't know how to deal with properly...

Shame, obviously, because somewhere inside me, I felt I needed to lie to my friends in order to keep them.
Sadness, because those friends are now VERY unhappy with me, and most likely will never want to talk to me, much less see me again.
Loneliness, because those were almost all the friends I had, and now they are all gone.

And then there's the one that just all out confuses me...Hatred.
Yes, I am angry at myself for not getting things together before now, and because I know full well that I am lazy and I don't want to do anything about it, but that's not what this is.
For some reason, what Shawn said Saturday night rang a bell in my head, since I've now kicked things into overdrive as far as the job hunt is concerned...The odd thing is that my motivation for getting my shit together is ALL WRONG. I don't want to do it because it's right. I don't even want to do it for the money, strangely enough, even though that ensures my survival...

For some reason, the main reason I want to make it on my own is so I can spit in the face of everyone and prove that I'm not a failure. I know it's wrong of me to think it, but everytime I want to turn around and give all this stuff up, that thought keeps coming back into my head...The knowledge that soon, I'll be able to leave everything and everyone and have someplace to go to.

I am NOT a failure...I'm NOT. And I'll prove it to everyone, no matter who I have to step on or otherwise crush to do it.

Sat, 12 Mar 2005 05:52:31 GMT

Sounds about right...

So, slowly by slowly, I'm getting re-acquainted with my body. No...don't even go there...*shrugs* M'kay, do as you will...
Seriously, I'm getting my leg muscles back in tune (I can't wait until I can find a gym of some kind around here...I bet my leg presses are killer now!), and I'm starting to lift weights again. All I have to do is force myself on some kind of relatively healthy diet, and start getting my sleep schedule into some kind of norm, and I should be pretty good to go. That and, of course, keeping up the cardiovascular side of things with my regular DDR fix.

Speaking of health, I've done a lot of thinking about this since it happened, and I'm putting out an all points bulletin to all the Dorcs: Yes, I'm fully aware that last Sunday, I made an ass out of myself, and I'm sorry for it (especially to Joe...I won't hide behind some alcohol excuse, my behavior was just WRONG)...So much so that I want to ask for all of your help. I'm noticing that I'm developing cravings, for lack of a better word, of alcohol, and that frightens me a little, so I'm going to stop drinking alcohol entirely until I am of legal age. What I need from all of you is to help keep me accountable to that. No matter how much it kills me, I'm going to get that crap out of my system, and I'm almost hoping that by the time I actually HIT 21, I won't really be in the mood for it anyway...ALMOST.

So yeah, there is an update...Not much of one, but then, I don't give a flying flip, so there.

Tee Hee Hee

Thu, 10 Mar 2005 23:18:37 GMT

Deine Schritte sind so schon
Tanzen wir das wiederseh'n
Uns're Blicke sind so stark
Jeder tanzt wie ich es sag'
Schwache Beine bleiben steh'n
Panzermensch weitergeh'n
Feiern wir die Energie
Diese Kraft verschwindet nie

Computer, Maschine, Panzermensch...
Geh g'radeaus
Geh g'radeaus
Computer, Maschine, Panzermensch...
Geh g'radeaus
Lass es raus!

Wir kampfen um den Siegeszug
Panzermenschen kriegen nie genug
Kriege sind zum Tanzen da
Uns're Freiheit ist so nah

Computer, Maschine, Panzermensch...
Geh g'radeaus
Geh g'radeaus
Computer, Maschine, Panzermensch...
Geh g'radeaus
Lass es raus!

Seid bereit (immer bereit)
Seid bereit (immer bereit)
Seid bereit (immer bereit)...
Hier kommt der Panzermensch
(Maschine)
(Computer, Maschine)

Uns're Korper sind so heiss
Stobofeuer, stolzer Schweiss
Lebe diesen Rythmus aus
Geh g'radeaus und lass es raus!

Thu, 10 Mar 2005 02:55:43 GMT

Happily Ever After
After the night was over, you had 85% health, $26 left, and were 100% appealing to your date.

While it was a trecherous night on the town, you managed to make the
best of it, handing most of the night's situations seamlessly, and your
date really appreciated it. In fact, they "appreciated" you all over
the couch in their living room. :)

Congrats - This is the most positive conclusion of the story! However, you might be interested to know that it is not the hardest to obtain.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 66% on health
You scored higher than 76% on money
You scored higher than 90% on appeal

Link: The Choose Your Own Adventure Test written by Renegade_Master on Ok Cupid

Thu, 10 Mar 2005 02:12:59 GMT

You scored as Black Mage. You are a Black Mage. You specialize in offensive magic. You usually whittle down foe with your most destuctive magic.

</td>

Black Mage

92%

Red Mage

75%

White Mage

67%

Fighter

67%

Thief

42%

Monk

42%

What Final Fantasy Class Are You
created with QuizFarm.com

Wed, 02 Mar 2005 04:15:00 GMT

Hmm...I'm almost afraid to try this, but I'm tired of being afraid, so here goes:

If you read this, even if I don't speak to you often, post a memory of me. It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad, just so long as it happened. Then post this to your journal. See what people remember about you.

Fri, 25 Feb 2005 04:18:38 GMT

I hate my stomach...and I'd LOVE to know what the hell I did to piss it off so!

Since about 5 this evening, my stomach has been giving me nothing but problems...and not the normal type that I take meds for every now and then...I kid you not, there have been 4 or 5 times in the past 6 hours where I have gone from sitting on the couch to dashing to the bathroom to lying the floor almost in tears cause my stomach has decided to flip the reverse switch on me. Arghh...

At this point, I'm just trying to focus on other things, like my gaming stuff or the character log that I'm doing for Matt's and my old campaigns (on a side note, if anyone has any information on their characters they want included, let me know soon, since I plan on posting it on the ORC website after it's done). So yeah, here I am, not even close to tired, but feeling utterly crappy, hoping that someone pops on AIM soon, and knowing almost definitely that if I feel this bad on Saturday, I'm not going anywhere on Sunday.

I'm hoping it's not the flu, since I really don't want to give it to Jeff and/or Queena...umm...This will probably be one of the only times in my life where I pray that it's either a case of food poisoning or simply something not agreeing with me.

So yeah...back to the character logs I go.

Sun, 20 Feb 2005 03:49:15 GMT

Alright...without further ado, I now become a quiz-whore...

1st question: Shawn...I got love for you man, but WTF?!
2nd question, and more important: I lost...that I can accept...but I FREAKING LOST...to JULIE? That just isn't RIGHT!

Sun, 20 Feb 2005 03:14:13 GMT

Alright, I might as well join the bandwagon...

If you woke up and I was in bed with you, what would be your first thought?

Tue, 15 Feb 2005 17:57:55 GMT

You Are A Romantic Realist

You are more romantic than 50% of the population.

You tend to be grounded when it comes to romance.
Sure, you can fall hard... but only for someone you've gotten to know.
And once you're in love, you can be a total romantic goofball...
But you'd never admit it to your friends!

Are You Romantic or Realistic?

Hmmm....very interesting...

So yeah, I keep hearing everyone talking about this whole Seasonal Affection Disorder thing because of February, and I think it's a bunch of bullshit. If anything, things have started getting better since this month began. I have a job, I have a home, and I've started to discover some groovy things about myself...all three of which I didn't expect to happen by now.

So....everyone around me is becoming depressed, and I, with my wonderful Saviour Machine blasting in the background, am, for lack of a more corny phrase, rising from the ashes. I have a couple of girls who are hoping I'll be at Fusion this Friday (we'll see, ladies...the playa must play, no matter the day), and an intersting turn of events caused me to come up with a new goal for myself for the near future. It's the weird things in life that end up revolutionizing who you see yourself as. So yeah...Things are good, despite a lot of the bullshit floating around the DORCs...I'm actually thinking I may have to pull a Kathleen and kinda semi-phase myself out of things until the LEP, cause I SURE as HELL won't let Kerr down for the RPG love that I promised...

Oh...and Matt? We need to chat soon.

Thu, 03 Feb 2005 03:41:50 GMT

Well, I'm about to disconnect my computer, and put it in the trunk of my car...It's the last thing to go, and it is the biggest reminder of what an interesting spot I'm in currently.

Kerry, Matt, Shawn, Joe, Meli...I love all of you dearly...No worries...I pulled through interesting times before, and I shall do so again. There have to be down times in life, and I guess I'm just hitting one. That just means that there's bound to be an up spot soon. There just HAS to be.

So yeah, off goes the computer...on goes life.

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 18:25:50 GMT

Well, once again life plays it's funny little trick...

I think things can't get any worse, and so, according to the rules of the universe, they have...

I just found out that I need to have my stuff moved out of my now former apartment 24 hours earlier than I thought. I thought I had til midnight Thursday night to move out, and it turns out that I'm now expected to be out by midnight TONIGHT instead. So, as I start organizing things in my soon to be empty room, I can't help but wish that Kerry were here so I could break down and cry like I've been wanting to do for about the past week or so, but even that seems like a bad idea now.

Yeah, I just feel completely and utterly alone right now...Ah, well...I will do what I can.

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 09:21:15 GMT

Kerry, we need to have a little chat.

I'm setting my alarm for noon...You need to be online then.

Tue, 01 Feb 2005 07:41:31 GMT

Sleep is a fucked up cycle when you get to a certain point with it...For example, because of the situation this past week with Julie and everything that SHOULDN'T have resulted from it that has, I got about 45 minutes of sleep between Saturday night and Sunday night...With that in mind, I fell asleep at about 9:45 tonight hoping to try and get those extra couple of hours that I KNOW I could use.

I woke up 5 minutes ago screaming and covered in sweat.

So it turns out that when I don't want to sleep, such as in the middle of the Westons' living room, when I SHOULD be up playing with adorable kids and being the shoulder for Kerr to lean, I conk out...When i want or NEED to sleep, however, I either can't sleep, or I can only sleep for a few hours before going crazy.

I guess it's time for that other Amp energy drink...After what just happened, I think I may wait until the sun comes up before I try sleeping again.